New to the Zoo
by OutDamnedSpot
Summary: An old, erm..."friend" is now living at Bob Fossil's zoo. Should the gang rescue him or has he gotten his just desserts? If anyone could recommend a better title for me, that would be awesome
1. Chapter 1

Vince was stirring about the flat in the middle of the night. He sipped on warm milk with a dash of nutmeg, but he still couldn't get to sleep. He sighed, then saw a tall figure come down the stairs. It snored and motioned its hands as if it were playing an imaginary saxophone and scatted occasionally. It opened the refrigerator and its hand motioned towards a chicken leg. Vince knew exactly who it was.

"Howard," he stated to both himself and the figure. The figure grunted as it munched on the chicken leg.

"Howard," Vince repeated. The figure continued eating as he rummaged through the cabinets.

"Howard?" Vince questioned once more. The figure returned to the refrigerator and tried stuffing a very long cucumber down his own throat.

"Howard!" Vince yelled as he swiped the cucumber out of his throat and bashed him on the cheek with it.

"Ow!" the figure shouted. It was clearly seen to be Howard now. "What was that for?" He then looked at Vince and said, "Oh my God, you're hideous! Don't kill me, I've got so much to-" Vince hit him with the cucumber again and said, "It's me, you idiot! This is my nightly treatment." Vince had a green creamy substance all over his face. His hair was in curlers and he wore a fuzzy red bathrobe with pink trim and matching slippers. Even when sleeping he continued to maintain his androgynous fashion statements.

"Oh," said Howard, embarrassed, "Hi Vince."

"Hi," his friend replied coldly as he made two thin cucumber slices with a knife. He then put the knife down and said, "Howard, you need to stop with this sleepwalking, and even worse, sleep-eating. You ate that chicken leg I was saving to make chicken broth."

"See, if you knew the next thing about broth, you'd know you need more than a puny chicken leg to make a whole pot of broth. Besides, aren't you a vegan?"

"No Howard. That was a long time ago. Anyway, that's not even the part I'm worried about. You could have choked on this cucumber!"

"I don't even like cucumbers," Howard retorted.

"Well, obviously when you're sleeping you do!" Vince said as he showed him the bite marks on the cucumber.

Howard was silent for a few seconds then said, "That was probably Bollo..."

"Oh sure, blame it on the gorilla." Vince sighed and said, "The worst part is, I need the cucumber."

"Why?"

"For my eyes."

"Your eyes? Can't you get the same vitamins from a carrot?"

"Vitamins? What do I need vitamins for?"

"Well, Vince, vitamins are a vital part of a man's diet. Y'see..."

"Okay, okay okay! Sorry I asked. Didn't think I was gonna get lectured. Anyway, here's why I need the cucumber." He took the two cucumber slices he had just cut and placed them on each of his eyes.

"That's it?" Howard laughed.

"What? It's part of my beauty treatment. Y'see, when you eat cucumbers, these so-called 'vitamins'," he said as he motioned his hands in air quotes around the word "vitamins", "Improve your eyesight. So putting them directly on your eyes will absorb the vitamins more quickly."

"What kind of logic is that?"

"A genius logic."

"Not it's not, it's rubbish."

"Well, can you prove me otherwise?"

Howard stammered. "No..."

"Okay then." Vince then whacked the cucumber in Howard's direction.

"What was that for?" Howard shouted.

"You're being a twit," Vince replied with a giggle.

"How am I being a twit?"

"You just are," Vince said with a grin.

"That's it," Howard said with a determined smile as he lifted a long loaf of French bread from off the kitchen counter and began to whack Vince with it. Vince continued to whack Howard with the cucumber with decent aim despite the fact he had cucumber slices on his eyes. Naboo and Bollo heard the noise from upstairs, so they went down to see what was going on. Just when they arrived, Vince accidentally hit Naboo with the cucumber and knocked his turban off.

"Ow!" Naboo groaned, "What the hell's going on down here?"

Vince raised one cucumber slice just enough above his eye to see what he had done.

"Oh, hey Naboo," Vince said with a hint of guilt in his voice, "I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs for a glass of warm milk and then Howard sleepwalked down here and started deep-throating a cucumber so I swiped it from him and hit him upside the head with it. Then he got defensive and hit me with French bread."

"I wasn't deep-throating it!" Howard protested.

"How would you know? You were asleep!" Vince teased, "You were all-" and then Vince motioned what Howard was doing to the cucumber with his hands and made bizarre munching noises as he did it. Vince then chuckled and murmured to Howard, "Practicing for Bob Fossil, eh?"

"No, I'm _not _practicing for Bob Fossil!" Howard stammered, "If anyone needs to practice deep-throating Bob Fossil, it would be _you!_"

"_Me?" _Vince laughed, "Fossil hates me! He called me a cross-dressing porn star from outer space once!"

"Actually, that was your mother when you showed up to your sister's wedding in a sparkly leather jumpsuit," Howard retorted.

"Oh yeah..." Vince recalled, then he paused and said, "But Fossil hates me nonetheless. The only one of us he ever liked was Naboo. Only because he makes him tea, which is _amazing, _by the way. Like, seriously, have you ever tried it?" Vince said as he nudged Bollo, who looked exhausted. He held a teddy bear in his arm and had a nightcap on his head. Vince continued, saying, "It's even better than Starbucks, and Starbucks is brilliant. Even more so than-"

"Shh!" Naboo commanded as he tried to adjust his turban. All he was wearing was the turban and some tartan pajama pants. "Let's all try to get back to sleep. I have a special trick that can get us tired in no time."

"Is it one of your magic spells?" asked Vince.

"What?" Naboo said confusedly, "Oh no, not a magic spell. Just melatonin." Naboo then went to the medicine cabinet and reached for the bottle of the pills. He gave one to each of them with some water. Just when they were about to go back to bed, the doorbell rang.

"Aw, damn it! Who could that be?" Vince groaned. He ran up to the door, touching the walls as he walked because he couldn't see anything with the cucumber slices on his eyes and needed a sense of where he was going.

"Look, Mr. Stupid-Door-To-Door-Salesman-Guy," Vince said to whoever was at the door, "We don't need your bloody wrinkle cream or whatever the hell you're selling. I have this avocado spread on my face right now and it works wonders. You should try it."

Just then, the figure at the door lifted a cucumber slice from Vince's eye and said, "It's me, you cross-dressing porn star from Mars!" He then ate a piece of the vegetable and put it back on Vince's eye.

"Mum?" Vince asked, then remembered the figure had just spoken, and he realized that was not his mother's voice and said, "_Oh, _Bob Fossil. Sorry. It's just my mum called me that once when I showed up to my sister's wedding in...you know what? Never mind."

"Yes, Hello Vincey," Fossil said, unimpressed. "I've come to tell you there's a new animal at the zoo."

"But we don't work at the zoo anymore..." the three other humans said at once, and Bollo said, "I no live there anymore..." while they said that.

"I don't care!" Fossil shouted, "It's very rare. Bainbridge went out to Black Lake the other night and caught it himself. What a man of action!" Fossil rubbed his nipples as he said this.

Vince nudged Howard and said quietly, "Ha! Dixon Bainbridge is definitely the one who has to start practicing deep-throating Bob Fossil around here." The men chuckled at this remark.

Fossil then snapped at them and said, "Hey! What's so funny?"

"Oh, Howard was just telling me about the time he worked as a drag performer to put himself through university," Vince lied. Howard shot him a look which Vince obviously couldn't see thanks to the cucumbers on his eyes.

"Go ahead, Mr. Fossil," Naboo said, calmly and respectfully, "We're fully engrossed in your story."

"Yeah, emphasis on 'gross'," Vince murmured, and Howard and Naboo simultaneously nudged him on each shoulder, to which Vince said "Ow!" and pretended to look interested in what Fossil was saying.

"Well, anyway," Fossil continued, "He got that guy with the scales."

"You mean a fish?" asked Howard.

"No! Not a fish!" Fossil said, "That guy with the scales and lips who glows in the dark."

"You mean an angler fish?" asked Vince.

"No, not that," Fossil replied, "That guy with the scales and lips who glows in the dark and has whiskers."

"Some sort of angler-catfish hybrid?" Howard asked.

"Howard in an angler fish costume?" Naboo said flatly. Vince laughed at his remark and gave Naboo a high-five, but Howard was not impressed.

"Uh," Fossil stammered, "I think 'angler-catfish hybrid' could be the technical term for it, but I have no idea. Anyway, he's very angsty and moody and I was wondering if you could help calm him down."

"Don't you have other people who work at the zoo now who can help you with it?" Naboo asked.

"Yes, but they all _suck,_" Fossil replied, "Would you help me..._please?_ I'll give you all a raise."

"We don't work at the zoo," they all said.

"Whatever. Just help me because we're friends, _right_?"

They all replied with various affirmative answers, like, "sure," "yeah," "totally," or "I guess so."

Fossil smiled and said, "Then what are you waiting for? Let's go!"

"Right now?" Vince whined, "But it's 3am!"

"I don't care!" Fossil shouted, "The van's outside, let's go!" They all followed Fossil to his van, and Vince tripped twice because he still had the cucumbers on his eyes, but Howard guided him. When they finally arrived at the zoo, and all their old co-workers were there, like Mrs. Gideon, whose hair was down and a bit messy rather than in her usual bun at the top of her head and did not have her glasses on yet. She wore a fuzzy green bathrobe and purple slippers. She let out a yawn and Howard stood next to her, hoping she would remember him.

"You're probably all wondering why I brought you here," Fossil shouted through a megaphone, "Well, just the other day, Dixon Bainbridge caught a mysterious creature from Black Lake. I'm going to unveil this bizarre, freaky guy with big lips, scales, whiskers, who glows in the dark, likes to be funky..."

"He didn't mention the funky bit before," Naboo whispered to Bollo.

"I've got a bad feeling about this..." Bollo replied.

"...Has seaweed hair..." Fossil continued. Howard knew who Fossil was talking about, so he moved himself a bit away from Mrs. Gideon, because he knew if he didn't it would only result in embarrassment.

"I have a _worse _feeling about this," he murmured to Bollo.

"And wears a tutu!" Fossil finished. He removed the curtain that was covering the animal's cage. There, the scaly man-fish stood.

"Hi there," he said.

"Who are you?" Vince asked with wide eyes, admiring the sea creature's attire.

"I'm Old Gregg. Pleased to meet ya." Then the creature paused and looked around, asking, "Where's Howard?" Howard hid behind Bollo.

"Oh, he's over there," Vince said, then he went over to Howard saying, "Look at this guy! He's a fashion genius! That tutu and sparkly jacket with the tie look amazing on him. Oh, and the boots, of course. Do you think I should start wearing a tutu?"

"Vince, that's Old Gregg. Remember the guy I met on the lake who you rescued me from?"

"_Oh yeah,"_ Vince recalled, "I have his card." Vince showed him the maroon business card with a gold frame and lettering that said nothing written on it but "I'm Old Gregg." "Why, does he not like you?" Vince asked.

"No," Howard answered, "In fact, he loves me. He's obsessed with me, frankly."

"Aw, that's adorable!" Vince said mockingly, then he sang "Howard and Gregg sittin' in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-" Howard cut him off, and said, "Vince, shut up and hide me!" Bollo moved, so Howard hid behind Vince. Vince shouted back to Gregg, saying, "I really like your jacket! Where can I get one like it?"

Old Gregg glared back at him and said in his infamous Southern American accent, "Silence, mothah-lickah."


	2. Chapter 2

Old Gregg smiled menacingly. "Howard? Where are ya, m'fuzzy li'l man-peach?" he said in a singsong voice. He stared in Howard's direction, who was still hidden behind Vince.

"Uh, Howard's not here," Howard said in a poorly-done, nervous falsetto, "It's just me, his twin sister Helga."

"Cut the act, fool. I know it's you, Howard," Old Gregg said with a roll of his eyes. He then took a swig of Bailey's right from the bottle and said, "Y'know, Howard, ever since ya left me, it's been awful borin' down at Black Lake. Nothing but small crabs, sea annenome, and bacteria to talk to. I'd get drunk on Bailey's everyday. Sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep. Well, actually, m'eyes would just get wet from all the Bailey's but that don't matter. Of course, the most exciting thing that happened was just a few days ago, when that jackass over there with the mustache hauled me out of my habitat!" He pointed to Dixon Bainbridge, who was combing his mustache but as soon as he was pointed at he seized from doing so and looked surprised.

The swamp monster continued. "His arms were strong, but not quite as strong as yours, Howard." Howard rolled his eyes. Gregg gulped down some more Bailey's and said, "You know, Howard, I'm a bit disappointed. It appears you've found someone else. This cross-dressing porn star from Mars must be yer lawfully wedded wife." He pointed to Vince.

"What is it with everyone calling me that?!" Vince said, annoyed. "I'm _not_ a crossing-dressing porn star from Mars! I'm a musician! I'm a poster child! I'm a novelist! I'm a fashionista!" He paused. "I'm Vince Noir."

"Arrogant slut," Old Gregg mumbled in between sips of Bailey's.

"Excuse me?!" Vince scoffed, "I heard that. Y'know, Gregg, just a minute ago, I admired you. You had on that pretty little tutu and I thought it looked cool so I sent my mate out to get one just like it. But now I'm gonna call him and tell him to not get it because I found out the guy who was setting this trend is a total dickhead!"

"Go ahead, call your little sugar daddy," Old Gregg said mockingly, "I'm Old Gregg! I ain't afraid!"

"Whoa," Vince said with a laugh as he held his cell phone up against his ear while he waited for his friend to pick up on the other end, "Okay, I get it when people mistake Howard for my husband or boyfriend of whatever, but Leroy? My sugar daddy?!" He then let out a strong laugh for a good minute and finally Leroy picked up the phone and he said, "Oh hey, Leroy. I'm just laughing because this swamp man thought you were my sugar daddy. Hilarious, right? Ha-ha, anyway, I don't want a tutu anymore. Yeah, that swamp guy who mistook you for my sugar daddy was wearing a tutu and he looked great in it but then I found out he was a tit so...What do I want know? I don't know! I haven't gotten the latest _Cheekbone_ so I don't know what's in style now. Let me go home and pick up my latest issue and I'll get dressed and go out shopping with you, yeah? Oh, it's 4am? Aw, shucks. I guess I'll go home and get ready then we can leave at noon, okay? I'll see you then, Leroy. Bye."

There was silence for a while, and then Old Gregg said, "I'm Old Gregg."

Vince glared at him and said, "Do I look like a give a shit?"

Old Gregg stood there for a minute, and whispered loudly to Howard, "Dump her, Howard. Dump her and live with me. She's a cheating slut and gets all her money from porn, and stripping, and whorin' herself out to strangers, and that Leroy fellow. The damn sugar daddy. Live with me. We'll drink Bailey's everyday and have the Funk and be happy. Please?"

Howard rolled his eyes. "I don't know, Gregg," he said, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now. And you've got Vince all wrong. He's actually..."

"HE?!" Gregg shouted in rage, "HE?! HE?! HEEEE?!"

Howard chuckled and said, "Um, yeah?"

"Aw, Howard, all this time I thought you wasn't into me was because you was one of them 'heterosexuals'," the merman continued, "But now I find out you _is _a homosexual but you _isn't_ into me? How could you do this to me, Howard?! I'm Old Gregg!"

Howard stuttered. "No, no, no... You don't understand. Vince isn't-"

"Lies, Howard! Nothin' but shit and lies! How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I'm Old Gregg!"

"Ugh, look Gregg. I didn't want to have to come here. I should be back in my flat letting smooth jazz records lull me to sleep. But instead, I'm in the middle of the zoo I used to work at, with my flatmates, arguing with a sea creature who nearly raped me, and trying to make a move on Mrs. Gideon over there. Now-" Howard then released he shouldn't have mentioned the last part, because Old Gregg's eyes grew wider at his mention of it.

"Gideon?" Gregg questioned, "The woman over there in the green robe?"

"Yes, now will you leave me alone?" Howard said.

"Aw, I'll kill that slut if I wasn't in this damn cage! And your little Vincey and his sugar daddy! I'm Old Gregg!"

At this point, Howard had completely lost it, "Damn it, Gregg! You've done it now!" he yelled, "Fossil, get me some tranquilizer!"

"You mean the Russian carpet man or the gray-leg face man?" Fossil asked confusedly.

"Aw, fuck you, Fossil! Naboo, do you still have that melatonin?"

"Yeah," said Naboo calmly as he held up the jar of pills.

"I'm gonna need about six, maybe more," Howard commanded, then he added, "And your blowgun!"

Naboo gave him the jar of pills and his blowgun. Howard didn't even bother counting the number of pills he put in the blowgun, but as soon as Old Gregg opened his mouth to remind everyone once more that he, in fact, is Old Gregg, Howard shot a decent quantity of melatonin into his mouth and Gregg fell straight to sleep. "Let's get out of here," he told his flatmates, who rushed to his side, but then Howard saw Gideon and tried talking to her, but then Naboo scolded him to get going, so Howard told Gideon he'd see her later and they were off.


	3. Chapter 3

It was now late in the morning-around 11:30am, and Vince was combing his hair and touching up his makeup. He tugged at his black AC/DC shirt and put his thumbs in the belt loops of his leather pants. He then placed his matching black leather messenger bag over his shoulder which contained his keys, money, phone, MP3 player, and cosmetics inside. His wrist was just about to twitch the doorknob open, when all of a sudden, Howard startled him by asking him one simple question.

"Hold on, little man, where are you going?" Howard scolded.

"Out..." Vince replied innocently.

"Where?" Howard questioned.

"The mall..." Vince said, his voice trailing off.

"With whom?" Howard scolded again.

"Leroy..." Vince answered.

"Why?" Howard asked, stretching that single syllable out for too long.

Vince paused and gave Howard a look. "Why _not?_" he said.

"Because you always end up buying more than you need," Howard stated. Vince rolled his eyes at this remark.

"Oh _really?_" Vince said as he raised an eyebrow at his friend, "What about the time Wal-Mart had a sale on corduroy and flannel shirts and other out-of-date crap and you bought twelve pairs of the same pants?" Howard scoffed at this, but Vince continued, "Or that time you bought all those jazz records that were all scratched up and couldn't be played anymore and you only bought them because they were 'the first of its kind' or whatever? Looks like I'm not the only one who buys more than he needs."

"Whatever," Howard said as his face reddened, "Just don't be out too late."

"Yes, Dad. I won't be out late..." Vince said mockingly.

As he started to exit, Naboo joined in and added, "And don't talk to anyone you don't know!"

"Yes, Mum!" Vince replied, just as mockingly. Then he jumped in Leroy's car and was off.

Then there was a brief silence, but Howard broke it, clearing his throat, saying, "So what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean? You know how this goes! Every time he shops for clothes, Vince'll go through a new phase, whether it be a hipster or skater or goth and-"Naboo was then cut off by Howard.

"No, no, no! Not _Vince!_" Howard said, "I'm talking about Old Gregg!"

"Oh yeah," Naboo recalled, "Well, for one thing,, he may not be happy at the Zooniverse. His natural habitat is a dark, desolate, damp cave. And frankly, his new place at the zoo is not suitable for sea monsters such as him."

"Exactly," Bollo replied.

"Yeah, but if we let him out, he'll kill Mrs. Gideon, Vince, Leroy, and who knows who else!" Howard said.

"Good point," Naboo agreed, "I'll have to consult the Board of Shamans then." He then went into his closet full of magical knickknacks and found a crystal ball. "Call Board of Shamans," Naboo commanded to the ball.

"Calling... Board of Shamans," the crystal ball echoed in a robotic, accent-less female voice. The dial tone could be heard, and then a little blipping noise that made them aware that the crystal ball was ringing on the other end.

Dennis' face appeared in the crystal ball, and then he said, "Board of Shamans, this is Dennis, the Head Shaman speaking, how can I help you?"

"Hi, Dennis," Naboo replied, "My flatmates and I are having some trouble with this bizarre creature at the local zoo. Do you guys want to come over and help us work this out?"

"Sure," Dennis replied, "We'll be right over!" Just then, the entire Board of Shaman appeared in the flat.

"That was quick," Howard admired.

"Aw, Dennis! Why'd you have to send us here, you jerkoff? Me and the wife were picking out curtains for the potion cabinet!" Tony Harrison whined.

"Tony, cabinets don't need curtains because they don't have windows. Besides, you hate curtains in the first place," Saboo retorted.

"Shut up, Saboo! If you had someone as lovely and sweet yet overwhelmingly obnoxious and demanding as Mrs. Harrison you'd understand," Tony replied.

"For your information, I do have someone. I have a hot date tonight actually," Saboo said snarkily.

"Bullshit!" Tony shouted, "With who?"

"Dennis' mother," Saboo said with a smirk. The entire board of Shamans laughed hysterically, except for Dennis, of course. He then banged his staff on the ground and said, "That's enough!" And they ceased.

Dennis continued, saying, "Let me remind you all that we are not here to discuss who gets laid the most. Besides, even if we were, I think we all know that Kirk has that one in the bag."

"Where is that child anyway?" Saboo asked. Just then, Kirk came out of Howard's room with lipstick marks all over his face and body and a bodacious young woman of about thirty wearing a short, tight-fitting dress trailing behind him.

Howard's mouth stood agape. "Where you having sex in my room?" he stammered.

"Yes," the prepubescent child replied, matter-of-factually.

"Uh, just tell her to go home," Howard said confusedly.

"Okay," Kirk then whipped out a wad of money and gave it to his escort. "Go home," he said. She then gave him a good snog for about 30 seconds and went off.

"Anyway," Howard said, "There's this creepy fish bloke in the local zoo who won't leave me alone!"

"And what might he be called?" Dennis asked.

"Old Gregg," Naboo replied.

"Ah, Old Gregg..." Dennis echoed. "Who is he?"

"I know 'im!" Tony shouted, "Well, actually, I don't, but Mrs. Harrison went to school with 'im!"

"Really?" Howard asked, "What was he like?"

"Uh, she says he was really quiet. Sat in the back of the class, doin' watercolors, didn't have many friends. He drank Bailey's at snack time and whenever teachers would yell at him sayin' he couldn't bring alcoholic beverages to school, he'd just break their limbs an' cuss 'em out, call 'em 'motherlickers.' Sometimes he'd kill them even. The whole faculty and student body was terrified of 'im. He always had this glaze in his eyes that was a bizarre mixture of malice and lust. Really, the only person he seemed to get along with was the home economics teacher. But the wife has a theory that it was only because he did sexual favors for her..." Tony's voice trailed off.

"Why am I not surprised?" Howard groaned.

"Oh yeah," Tony continued, "And the guy he went to prom with was just as scared of him as everyone else. Gregg kept shaking him throughout the night, saying, 'You must love me exactly as I love you' and 'You're gonna learn to love me!' By the end of the night, everyone was pretty sure the poor fella was dead. He was just floppin' around, but Old Gregg just pretended nothing was wrong, or maybe he didn't know anything was wrong. Who knows..."

"That's quite a bizarre story, Tony..." Dennis said.

"Yeah," Tony said, smiling as always, "And it appears this ol' geezer is one of his old flames." He turned his head to Howard.

"I'm _not _his old flame!" Howard stammered, "I believe 'victim' is a more fitting word."

"Whatever," Tony said with a smirk as he rolled his eyes.

"What you guys suggest we do?" Bollo asked.

"Kill him?" Dennis suggested.

"I don't know if he can be killed..." Naboo said.

"Beat him up?" Saboo joined in.

"Bleach his pubes?" Tony said.

"And how will that help, Harrison?" Saboo said, annoyed.

"I don't know!" Tony shouted, "But it's worth a shot!" Saboo shook his head.

"Look," Howard said, "I don't want to make a final decision on what to do until Vince gets back. He knows these things about animals."

Just then, the door opened. It was Vince. He was dressed in a a green shirt that read "This shirt is made from 100% recycled soda bottles", a head band made from hemp rope, an old pair of jeans, and boots made from bamboo. He put his bag down and entered the room where the discussion was happening.

"Sorry I'm late, guys, I was just helping Leroy pass out flyers to save endangered species," Vince said, tiredly.

"Good," Howard said, "We were suggesting what to do with Old Gregg. What do you suggest?"

"I say we let him go," Vince replied, "It's no good being stuck in a cage for the rest of your life."

"What?" Howard said, shocked. Howard was used to Vince coming up with stupid ideas, but not when it came to different species and animals. Letting Old Gregg go meant he could wreak havoc everywhere and try to kill people. Why would Vince think that would be a good idea?


	4. Chapter 4

Howard was puzzled. "Vince, you know if we let him out he'll just kill everything in sight..."

"Yeah," Vince replied, "But Black Lake is his natural habitat. It's suitable for him. Y'see, the problem with industrialization and urbanization is that animals' homes are being destroyed and animals are being forced to live in the city. Like just the other day they chopped down a maple tree that this pretty yellow canary made her nest in. I just saw her the other day. Her new home is in the 'O' in the Dixon's sign. She made a little nest there out of sawdust and candy wrappers and other shit canaries are never supposed to get their wings on. She has to raise six kids there, Howard! With _no_ help! Y'see, her husband abandoned her for the finch next door! And her own mum and dad got eaten by coyotes last year and she has no other family!" Vince then grabbed Howard by the shoulders and said, "The human's world is not suitable for non-domesticated creatures!" He then let go of Howard and said, "Whether they are half-man, half fish, or a 70%/30% split. It's still no good for him."

Howard's eyes widened, then he laughed and said, "So, you're a tree-hugger now? Ha! This is coming from the man, who, when I asked him what life would be like in the world without bin-men, said it would be, 'pretty much the same, but with a few extra Kit-Kat wrappers on the ground'? Now you're an eco-friendly maniac? Hah!" Howard continued to laugh and then Vince interrupted.

"Shut up!" Vince said, loudly, "I was only a boy then."

"Vince, that was three months ago..." Howard added.

"Whatever. Anyway, I got inspired at the mall. I spoke to a chameleon in the window at the pet store, and he said, 'Save the rain forest, one step at a time.' And I said, 'How?' And he said, 'Recycle. Save water. Use energy-efficient light bulbs, anything!' Then I said, 'Okay. That reminds me- Coco Chanel has a new line of eco-friendly attire! Let's go, Leroy!' So we went to the Coco Chanel store and I bought a bunch of environmental shit and then we went to a million other stores and got more eco-friendly stuff and then we went to Teavana and drank tea that had biodegradable tea bags and yeah."

Howard scrunched his eyebrows. "Coco Chanel has a men's section now?"

"I don't know! But why should I care?" Vince said with a smile.

"So you mean to tell me you dragged Leroy into some store where 99% of the items are for women and you ogled at the whole inventory..."

"Yeah."

"Poor Leroy..." Howard responded.

There was an awkward pause. "Anyway," Vince added with an eye roll, "I say, in the meantime, we go back to the zoo and talk to Old Gregg and try to make him more happy in his current environment. Make him trust us. Then we'll see how that goes. Sound good, yeah?"

Bollo gave an affirmative grunt and Howard nodded his head. "I'll stay here and run the shop," Naboo said.

"And I'll help ya!" Tony said loudly. Naboo rolled his eyes and grunted.

"Oh, God, I guess I'll have to babysit then..." Saboo complained.

"I'll join you!" Dennis said, standing tall, "I love knickknack shops! Look! A shield with a whole in the centre! Must be an ancient artifact!"

"Dennis, you imbecile, that's a sex toy! You put your willy in the centre and you masturbate with it!" Tony snapped.

"Actually, it's neither," Howard said, barging in, "It's called a record. One of the best of them, actually. You put it on a phonograph and it plays music. This one happens to be a Frank Sinatra 'Best Of' album. One of the greatest jazz musicians of all time."

"Whatever," Tony whined, "Just go visit your old flame and we'll run the shop, yeah?"

"He is _not _old flame!" Howard stammered. Then, Vince nagged Howard for once and they got in their van and were off to the zoo.


	5. Chapter 5

When they arrived at the zoo, they saw Old Gregg sitting cross-legged in his cage, arms folded, with a scowl on his face. "Hi, Gregg!" said Vince, trying to be friendly, "I know we didn't hit it off too well when we first met, but..." Old Gregg then spat out a green slime in Vince's face, interrupting his train of thought. "Ew!" he shrieked, "What was that for?"

"For bein' a mothah-lickah," Old Gregg replied.

"Yeah, I bet it was, you bugger," Vince scoffed to himself, then shook his head, rapidly, remembering why they'd come, and politely said, "Howard and I came back to cheer you up a bit. I know how boring it is being locked up. I once got thrown into the slammer for a real bad crime for a long time an'-"

Howard interrupted, "Vince, it wasn't that bad or long. You were in jail for a day when you were a witness at jury duty. The judge said to the accused, 'It will be long and hard' and you told him that's what the actress said to the bishop." Vince laughed hard and slapped his knee. "Why are you laughing? Now that's on your criminal record!"

Vince wiped a tear from his eye from laughing so hard and said, "That was genius! If I could have anything on my criminal record, being a smartass would be at the top of the list! And guess what? It is!" Howard rolled his eyes. "Anyway," Vince continued, "Yeah, I was locked up for a day, but still, I now how it feels to be locked up. My uncle was locked up for a while, too."

"Is this the uncle that owns a boxing ring and isn't actually your uncle?" Howard asked.

"Yeah," Vince replied, "He was in the slammer because he littered."

"What a heinous crime," Howard said, sarcastically, "Everyone watch out for the Noir family! They are filled with no-good, dirty rotten scoundrels who litter and say 'said the actress to bishop' after everything! Lord help us!"

"Okay, first of all, my uncle isn't even my uncle. He's my dad's mate from primary school. So he's not _in _the Noir family. Secondly, we're not hear to to discuss my criminal record or that of anyone in my family's. We are here to provide a suitable environment for our good friend Gregory here."

"That slut ain't no friend of mine," Old Gregg said, not directing his statement to anyone in particular.

"Hey! Can we do without the name-calling for a bit please?" Vince snapped, "I'm trying to help you. Anyway, what can we do to your environment to make you feel more at home?"

Old Gregg drank some Bailey's from a martini glass and said, "Get me mo' Bailey's. I'm Old Gregg."

"Excellent!" Vince cheered, "There's a start. You writin' this down, Howard?" Howard took out a small pad of paper and jotted down _more Bailey's_ in a black fountain pen.

"Watercolours, uhm, the Funk, things that are good, actually, _all_ things that are good, and uhm... some shoes, so I can drink Bailey's out of 'em, and, uh... some company."

"That's a good start," Vince replied, "Well get going on it, right away, won't we, Howard?" Howard nodded his head. "We'll get going to the grocers to pick up some of this stuff. You behave yourself, Gregg. Yeah?"

"Bye Howard," Old Gregg said with a lustful stare, "I'll see ya when ya get back." Gregg then blew a kiss at Howard and Howard put on an uncomfortable smile.

After Vince and Howard left, Gregg received a few visitors. The first was a young mother and her children. The two oldest were a set of girls who were probably twins or only a year apart-at around four or five years old. The third child was the youngest, and infant boy in a carriage. "Mummy, can we look at the ballerina?" one of the girls asked.

"Of course, dear," he mother replied, "Although I don't see why a ballerina would be in the zoo." She followed her daughters as she pushed the stroller along. "This doesn't look like a ballerina," she said.

"It has a plaque here, Mummy," the other daughter said, "Can you read it to us?"

"Yes, darling," She replied. She then cleared her throat and read the label aloud, "_Hey, zoo visitors! This is that guy with scales who glows in the dark. You know, the pink tutu guy! The one with whiskers and big lips! I don't know what they call him, but our very own Dixon Bainbridge caught him in Black Lake! Isn't that something? He likes funky music too. Not Bainbridge the guy in this cage I mean. Oh, and unlike a lot of other animals at the zoo, he can TALK! And uh, that's really all I know about him. If you want to know more, just ask Bainbridge. I'm sure he knows something. Or you can visit the Zooniverse website, which, I uh, think I forgot the address to. Good luck finding it, because I sure can't. Love, Bob Fossil, the Guy Who Owns the Zoo. _Well, that didn't help much..." the woman said, her voice trailing off.

"I guess we'll just have to figure out what he is by ourselves!" One of the girls said.

"Good idea," chimed the other. She then directed her prepubescent voice to Old Gregg, saying, "Hello, mister! What are you?"

"I'm Old Gregg," he replied.

"That's a wonderful name," she said with a smile, "But I didn't ask _who_ you were, I asked _what _you were. Like my sister and I here are people. What are you?" Old Gregg shrugged his shoulders and drank more Bailey's.

"Our nanny tells us you shouldn't drink so much Bailey's so quickly," the other girl said, "You could get a bit tipsy very quickly with that stuff."

"Well," Old Gregg said, "I'm Old Gregg, and your nanny is a mothah-lickah."

"I beg your pardon!" one of the girls said, "Our nanny is a wonderful person!"

"Sure she is," Old Gregg said, sarcastically. He then drank more Bailey's and said, "I'm Old Gregg, mothah-lickah."

"Since you don't know what type of creature you are, I should give your type of creature a name," the other girl said.

"Whatever it is, don't let it be 'scaly man-fish,'" Gregg said. Of course, neither of the girls were paying very much attention to the beginning of what he said, and all they really heard was "scaly man-fish."

"That's brilliant!" One of the girls said, "Scaly man-fish! It's perfect!"

"From now on," said the other, "You will be known as Old Gregg the Scaly Man-Fish."

"Mummy!" said her sister, "Can we tell Mr. Fossil that Old Gregg is a scaly man-fish now? Can we put it on the plaque?"

"I don't know," the mother said, "You'll have to ask him about it."

Old Gregg's face flushed with rage. "What did you call me?" he slowly asked one of the girls.

"Scaly man-fish...?" she said.

"Say that again," he commanded.

This time, the two girls said in unison, "Scaly man-fish."

"That's what I thought you said," Old Gregg replied, vengefully. Before the girls knew it, they were tied to a giant rotisserie spit. Gregg turned the handle and stared at them, menacingly. Their horrified mother took action immediately. She burst into Fossil's office, grabbed him by the wrist, and dragged him outside to show him the commotion.

"Mr. Fossil! What is the meaning of this?!" she shouted irately.

Fossil stared, confusedly and replied, "Uh, I don't know."

"Of course you don't! You don't have control of the animals in this damn zoo, do you? You'll just let them muck around freely and get away with murder, you bloody Yankee! You need to use more safety-precautions, damn it!" She then untied her daughters within nearly a split second. They were thankfully, unscathed.

"Luckily, my little flowers here weren't too badly hurt, but now they are, however, emotionally traumatized! You should be ashamed of yourself!" she grabbed her daughters' hands and pushed her son's stroller ahead of her. She then turned her head towards Fossil, saying, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer," and she was off, probably never to set foot in the Zooniverse ever again.

Just then, Vince and Howard returned. "Hey! We're back!" Vince said cheerfully as he hoisted a bag of groceries up to his chest, then said, "We just saw some woman who was all puffy complaining about who the hell would just leave two little girls in danger like that. What's her beef?"

"I had to," Gregg said, "They called me a scaly man-fish. I'm Old Gregg! How could they say that?" Vince and Howard looked at each other, confusedly.

Fossil broke his silence, "I'm being sued. She's suing me," he said.

"Why?" Vince and Howard asked in unison.

"The pink tutu guy put her kids on a roasting stick thing that goes in circles," he said.

"You mean a spit?" Howard asked.

"I guess," Fossil answered.

"You mean to tell me that woman is suing you because you let Old Gregg tie her kids to a spit?" Vince questioned, and then he directed his frustration towards Old Gregg, saying, "I thought you said you were gonna be nice!"

"I was, but then they called me a scaly man-fish," Gregg explained. Vince and Howard shook their heads.

"I'm Old Gregg," Old Gregg said, breaking a brief awkward silence.

"We know!" Vince and Howard snapped.


End file.
